My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1957 - 1751: Life Holds No Joy

"Zihan, during the days I’ve lost you, countless times I’ve thought about how difficult my life is, and how much I wish you could return to my side."

"I know that this matter cannot be completely resolved with a simple apology. The harm you mentioned is something I might not be able to reconcile for a lifetime. But do you know, over the years, I’ve sincerely cared for you? Yet, when I sincerely treated you, you thought I was lying and deceiving you. It was in that moment that I realized no matter how much I give with all my heart, I may not necessarily earn your trust. Just one instance of harm, repeated doubts, have destined us never to be together in this life!"

Do you know, in the years I’ve been with you, sometimes I’m truly happy, and sometimes I’m deeply sad. I often reminisce about every path I’ve walked with her in my heart while avoiding and daring not to look at every road I’ve walked with him, each footprint I fear. As soon as I open my eyes and see that place, I would recall how he and I once held hands, smiling happily on the street, chasing. Do you know? That feeling is really so subtle!"

And you know, in all these years we’ve been together, we’ve never had that kind of tacit understanding because you understand deep down that no matter how much I screw up, I will never be the best to you, is that right?"

You always think you can give me the happiness I want, but ask yourself honestly, have you given me happiness? Have you really given me the happiness I want? Although I’m smiling with you at times, do you realize those are forced smiles, right? It’s impossible to always keep a straight face with you, isn’t it? Truly smiling from the heart is really very rare when with you, and I myself don’t even understand why. Perhaps expressing all this now will hurt you deeply, strike a big blow to you, make you feel like a failed man unable to give your own wife the joy and happiness she desires. But do you know that I must clarify these matters now, or there will be no more opportunities? I hope you will understand my inner pain!"

"You’re telling me now to understand your inner pain and have you really thought about how your words and actions have made me look so bad? You did these things, yet I really want to divorce you right away, to completely kick you out of this home. But for the sake of my father’s reputation, I can’t do this for the sake of familial interests. If I do such a thing, the consequences will be hard to predict. My father’s company will face huge funding gaps. At that time, what should I do? I can’t let my father endure such a big risk again because of my affairs. I have given him nothing, only hurt repeatedly, only messages with you. And you, you believe what you give me is anything? For you, I even threatened my own father, how else should I sacrifice for you to be content? The human heart is made of flesh; it can grow cold, it can hurt. Why have you treated me this way? Are you not afraid I would truly be heartbroken, shed tears?"

It is said the most venomous is a woman’s heart, but I truly did not expect my wife would treat me this way. I originally thought that no matter what you did, at least I still had a place in your heart, but now you have shattered even this last illusion. No matter what you do, the person you think of isn’t me, my heart is hurt. I just want to distance myself further and further from you, so you might feel less guilty internally. But do you know, every word you say to me, every rejection makes me feel you don’t think I love and care for you enough. I fought desperately to give all my heart to you again and again, but you chose to hurt me in this way, is it fair to me? Watching me in unbearable pain over and over again, is your heart truly happy, truly satisfied?"

"I have sincerely apologized to you, and I’ve already said I’m sorry for this matter. What else do you want from me? Do you want me to kneel and apologize, admit my wrongs? Whose life wouldn’t foolishly dream to care for someone? You might think what I did is insulting you, but do you know that my love for him won’t change for a lifetime? It was only after he left that I realized how deeply I loved her, that kind of love pierced to the core. Do you know how painful that is? Looking at his pictures, my heart aches deeply. Over these years I haven’t let you touch my things because I fear your discovery of all my inner secrets. I fear that day would come. And if that day really comes, I don’t know how to explain it to you. But today I am choosing to confess all this myself, only to let you know some things are beyond your or my control!"

"Do you know that for this brief arrangement, I once prayed bitterly in front of Buddha for thousands of years? I walked step by step carrying all our past memories to today’s moment. I did it all just to be with you, but ultimately I got you, yet I didn’t get your heart. I gave everything to you, but in the end, you gave me immense blows and hurt!"

You are now simply unwavering in your obsession. No matter what you do to him, he will never return to your side. You’ll forever only see his back view. Do you think it’s okay with that? Have you really considered the pain in my heart as a husband? You feel what you’re doing is right, but do you know your actions have hurt both of us? Do you understand that doing this causes both of us men to feel guilty, to be conflicted? I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. Perhaps I’m just a humble speck of dust that seems insignificant to you, but do you know even a grain of sand will shine? One day, you too will shine like a diamond, but you will never see that day because you have completely made me lose my brightness!"

"I’m sorry, truly sorry!"

"Don’t keep telling me ’I’m sorry,’ I hope you won’t indulge in wishful thinking anymore. No matter how many times you wish for it, he won’t come back to your side. No matter what lengths you go to for him, he won’t look back. The past is past, you can only silently endure your inner pain. You can only watch yourself walk step by step towards death—I will never touch you again!"

Days just seem to pass by so quickly, I wish I could live joyfully and happily with you forever!